Regarding 420 and Getting It On

So, I did this really non-linear and random thing recently; I ran a very specific swinger ad at Craigslist.com, a message board where (among other things) a lot of intelligent cutsie punk people here in Chicago meet to have sex. They're the same people checking the Onion personals every day and reading Salon; you know what I mean. Now, I just happened to have had possession of a small bag of marijuana recently as well, for reasons that are too mundane to go into here, and one of the things that I really enjoy when I get high is to get naked with a cute person and roll around with them. Not necessarily intercourse, you understand; it's just that when I'm in that state of mind I get very tactile-oriented. I like the feel of bare skin against bare skin, lips against lips; when I'm high I can pretty much get off of things like that without sex being actually involved. So on a whim I put up a personal ad at Craigslist that said (paraphrased:)

"Interested in smoking up, my treat, taking your clothes off and rolling around with a 34 y.o. thin artistic type? I'm not necessarily looking for sex; I just enjoy smoking and getting close to people, and I find myself with a little extra smoke right now but no one to share it with. Please be female, under 35, city dwelling, height-weight proportionate, and have photo to prove it. (Clothed okay; yours gets mine.) Extra points for piercings, tattoos, or short hair. Hot hits, mutual masturbation? Lots of other alliterative activities besides intercourse can be explored, if you're interested."

I know! I never write personal ads that are so...oh, cheeky, I guess, I don't know what the right term is. Just so to-the-point and swingeresque. I mean, I reply to swinger ads all the time, but I just rarely write them myself. But what the hell, right? It's spring here in Chicago, I'm single, I've got a little extra pot, and I've been sexually inactive for about six months now. If I want to get it on with someone new, why shouldn't I? I had no realistic expectations of actually meeting someone through this ad, to be sure, but I just thought what the hell, why not write it up and see what happens?

As with many of my swinger experiences last summer, only one serious person answered the ad, and that one turned out to be all I needed for the experiment to be a success. We'll call her *Jeri, and you won't be hearing any more details about her (like her age, hometown, education, job, etc) so don't even ask. Let's just say that she's under 35 and lives in the city, just like I requested. Her email started with, "Pick me! Pick me!" and basically stated that my ad sounded like just the thing she needed in her life right now. She included two images with the email, one a photo of her and one a picture of Hello Kitty. Her photo was cute, you know? It was very cute, which was weird, because I almost never hear from young, cute punk-rock girls when it comes to swinging. Then again, I usually never offer free drugs when it comes to swinging either, so maybe the lure of the free 420 action is what finally captured the attention of a woman like this.

I emailed Jeri back with my photos, saying that we should definitely get together soon, especially considering that I didn't have very much pot and it would be pretty much gone in the next couple of days. She wrote right back and set a date; when I offered to host at my apartment, she wrote right back again and said sure. It was too easy, I thought; there had to be some kind of catch here. Thinking maybe that the catch would be that she would never actually show, I wasn't particularly excited or nervous when the rendezvous hour finally came. But sure enough, precisely at 7 pm my buzzer was rung, and the voice on the other end said, "Hey, it's Jeri!"

Jeri was actually cuter than her photo made it seem; it was so weird to experience it, since most people use photos in their personal ads that make them seem cuter than they actually are. There was just something very pleasing about Jeri's overall look, even though there wasn't anything outstanding that you would pick out; she's medium height, medium weight, with medium-length hair (albeit dyed bright and curled up) and a medium-size frame. When she smiled she looked like Kristy McNichol in 1978 (you know, "Little Darlings"-era) and I found something just adorable about her looking like a 1978 Kristy McNichol when she smiled. I got her some water and we made small talk in my tiny studio apartment, me in the chair loading up the pipe, she stretched out across my mattress already. Jeri, it seemed, had lived in another city not so long ago, and in that city she got very used to and comfortable with such random urban encounters like getting high and rolling around with someone you don't know. She was wondering if anyone in Chicago actually did that kind of stuff, too, when lo and behold she came across my ad.

We smoked and talked, talked and smoked. Then smoked and smoked some more. And not even a half-hour after she had gotten there, we found ourselves both stretched across my mattress. "You know," I said, "I left my ad purposefully vague so that I could let the woman who comes over set the boundaries. What are you interested and not interested in?"

Jeri paused, looked in the air, and said, "I'm interested in you doing whatever it is that you want to do to me. I'll let you know if you're going too far." She blinked slowly. "God, I'm really high."

"Me too." I paused. "So you just want me to do whatever it is that I feel like doing to you?"

"If that's okay."

"That's fine. No problem at all." I'm not exactly shy about letting my wishes be known in the bedroom; I've never been shy about it, even back in the virginity-losing years. So I told Jeri to stand up, and when she was erect I started taking her clothes off.

"I'm taking your clothes off," I said, pulling her blouse over her head.

"I know," she replied.

When she was completely naked I told her to lie down on the bed, while I continued undressing. Soon I was naked myself and had laid down next to her. She asked, "Can I masturbate?" and hey, who's gonna say no to a request like that? And so within a few seconds we were both jerking off, starting to rub our bodies up against each other lengthwise. Like I said, it's the tactile experiences that I really enjoy when I'm high, and Jeri and I got to have a lot of them: french-kissing while mutually masturbating, laying in a missionary position so that we're jerking off an inch from each other, straddling her torso and rubbing my cock between her breasts while she kept jerking off (er, jilling off). Whoo-whee; it's getting me all horny again here in my apartment just recounting the story for you. Very erotic, very sense-oriented, very organic. The best kind of sexual experience one can have, as far as I'm concerned.

We did end up having intercourse; by that point in the evening it just seemed like the logical thing to do. It was safe sex, just like all the sex I've had since my last HIV test; it was really good sex too, despite the addition of the reviled condom. (God, I hate those things so much.) Here's a little tip for all the ladies out there: if you ever want to put your husband or boytoy in an extra special good mood one night, make sure to yell out in the middle of sex, "Your cock is so spectacular!" And for extra good measure, when he says "I'm going to come" and you say "Will you come on me?" and he asks, "Where should I come on you?" make sure to smile and say, "Why, on my face, of course." Yes indeed, it was a fun goddamn night.

So I'm not sure if I'm ever going to see Jeri again; she blew off two or three more invitations and then told me that she's about to be on the west coast for a couple of weeks. We'll see if she writes me when she gets back, I suppose. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, though; considering that I didn't think the ad would get any responses at all, I feel damn lucky to have had such a highly erotic experience with a really cute punk-rock girl I got along with so well. Yes, Virginia, swinger ads can sometimes produce good results.

Copyright 2003, Liv4now. Rights reverted to Jason Pettus for this reprinting.