My name is Jason Pettus and I am not your ex-boyfriend

Written for the Wam Bam Poetry Slam, Mad Bar, Chicago.

My name is Jason Pettus and I am not your ex-boyfriend. Oh, I understand how the mistake can be made. After all, I'm very similar to your ex-boyfriend - young, white, male, sensitive, artistic, sexually adventurous. We both wear cardigan sweaters, we both read comic books when no one is looking, and we're both attracted to you. Nevertheless, my name is Jason Pettus and I am not your ex-boyfriend.

Allow me to elaborate. I am not a dove with a broken wing, waiting for a woman to gallantly swoop into my life and fix it, turning me into the majestic soaring creature she always knew that I was. Unlike your ex-boyfriend, I do like going to parties, and I have finished my first novel.

I am not a postmodernist. I am not punk rock. I am not a slacker little shit. I don't like Thai food, I'm not a vegetarian, no, I don't want a bite of your yummy burrito, and by the way, I fucking hate NPR. I do not justify my personality defects by endlessly bringing up my clinical depression. I am arrogant and egotistical, because I am arrogant and egotistical.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I am entitled to disagree with it. I am not a feminist. I am not a masculinist. I did not go to culinary school! I'm not learning the guitar, I've never been to Europe, I'm not voting for Ralph Nader, and I will never, ever shave my head.

All I want is to find someone I can love. And I thought that was going to be you. So the next time you tell me we can't date because you have issues with guys like me, please bear in mind. My name is Jason Pettus, and I am not your ex-boyfriend.

Copyright 2000, Jason Pettus. All rights reserved.