me&thegirls&theporn&thedildos

So, I'm going to the porn store. It's Thursday, it's 6 pm, and I'm going to the porn store. It's Thursday, it's 6 pm, I'm just finishing up work, downtown, in a suit, some woman from Canada keeps sending me incredibly dirty emails that I'm reading, at work, I'm writing back, at work, It's Thursday, it's 6 pm, I'm going to the fuckin' porn store!

It's a walk. It's downtown, but it's a walk. It's Chicago and State and I'm Madison and LaSalle, it's a bit of a walk. It's the best porn store I've found yet, and I've looked at a lot of them. It's big and varied and inexpensive. It's clean and well-lit and there aren't a bunch of creepy guys hanging out by the quarter booths. It's a good porn store. It's downtown. I'm downtown.

It's a bit of a walk. I think, hmm, how can I make this walk go a little faster? I know, I'll get stoned. I'm downtown. It's 6 pm. Where am I going to go to get stoned? Ah-ha, the Hilton hotel. I smoke a big ol' doobie in the men's bathroom of the Windy City Lounge and Cocktail Club. Not a soul comes in. I walk out in a THC haze the thickness of pea soup. It's Thursday, it's 6 pm, it's 96 fuckin' degrees out, I'm stoned, where was I going? What am I doing? Oh yeah, I'm going to the fuckin' porn store!

Walk. Walk walk walk. Walk walk walk walk walk. Start realizing. Hey, this porn store is in River North. River North is a rich neighborhood. It's 6 pm. I've never been to a porn store at 6 pm. There's rich women everywhere. There's rich beautiful young women everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. How am I going to walk into the porn store without a hundred rich beautiful young women seeing me walk into the porn store?

I start slowing down. I start letting rich beautiful young women pass me by. I start looking over my shoulder to see if any rich beautiful young women are behind me. I create a 50-foot buffer zone so I can slip in hopefully unnoticed, well maybe noticed, but no one right behind me whispering, "Oh my God, look at that guy, he's going in that porn store."

The moment of truth. I have created my buffer zone. It is smooth sailing ahead. I open the door with confidence. I walk in. I close the door. There are three rich, beautiful young women standing at the counter, paying the admission price. I turn around. They hear the door. They all look up.

At me.

Fuck!

I can't leave now, I'M ALREADY IN THE STORE. The damage has been done. But wait a minute. The beautiful women are in the porn store too. They're customers just like I am. I have nothing to feel guilty about, right? WRONG! THEY are three sorority sisters from U of I throwing a bachelorette party for their lifelong friend Jamie who's getting married in two weeks to Steve, an insurance adjuster for Peat Marwick who lives in a condo in north Lakeview. I am some creepy stoned tool of the patriarchal system here to spend my hard-earned money to keep the sisterhood in slavery and later joylessly masturbate to surgically-altered breasts which do not exist in the real world. Jesus Christ, I suck! But it's Thursday, it's 6 pm, I'm stoned, and hey, they've already caught me.

The employee asks if I want tokens or am I just browsing. I WAS going to get tokens but brother, believe you me, NOW I'm just browsing. I walk up to the magazine rack. The three beautiful rich young women stand directly behind me, their backs almost touching mine as they peruse the vast array of vibromatic choices in front of them. I brace myself for the inevitable conversation, delivered in high-pitched, cackling, drunk at Nick's at two in the morning voices:

"OH...MY...GOD, look at this one, it's two feet long! OH MY GOD, it's bright purple! Jamie's just going to scream when she sees this! OH MY GOD, we have to get this one, we just have to get this one right here!"

To my surprise, this is not what comes out of their mouths.

The beautiful women move with grace and elegance, soundlessly padding through the store like Japanese Senseis in paper shoes. They speak to each other in low, quiet, intimate voices:

"Well, what do you think of this one?"

"Hmm. Is that going to be big enough?"

"Well, I don't know about you but I think I'm going to need something larger."

"What about these bumps and ridges? Have you used something like this before?"

"Oh yeah, the last one I bought had those. They can REALLY come in handy."

I can scarcely believe my ears. Three beautiful young women inside a porn store, having a frank and earnest discussion about their favorite dildo choices. I start realizing, I'm a witness for a moment of empowerment! Three beautiful young women reclaiming the porn store for themselves! Three beautiful young women reclaiming their own sexuality and God-given right to orgasm! Three beautiful young women having a serious discussion about what may or may not aid them in their elusive quest for person ecstatic climax!

I start getting...turned on!

I start imagining the three women and I slipping into the back booths for a personally-led test drive of their new tools of empowerment, STOP, Jason, STOP! Stop thinking about sex! But I can't stop thinking about sex -- I"M IN A PORN STORE! Every direction I turn I'm confronted with naked flesh, writhing, sweaty bodies caught under the harsh glare of Klieg lights in a southern California hotel room! I start imagining the three women changing their discussion from the potential to the kinetic, not just talking about their personal jerk-off techniques but showing, sharing, leading the way with a swift hand and a sharp tongue, STOP IT, Jason, STOP IT! You must stop fantasizing about these three innocent women standing next to you...in the porn store...talking endlessly about the dildos they will be opening in a few short hours...

I am caught in a Kafka-esque nightmare! Row after row of the most beautiful, disgusting sex acts known to humankind, and my MOM handing them to me on a platter, inviting me to take them to the next room but to first finish my vegetables! I'm freaking out! I've gotta get out of here! I grab my things and start bolting for the door!

But wait. I stop. I think about it. It's Thursday. It's 6 pm. I'm STONED. I turn around and yell out to the store, "Ladies, it has indeed been a pleasure to be a fellow shopper with you all today. If I may make a small suggestion in regards to your current purchasing dilemma. I believe it was said best by Vince Neil, lead singer of Motley Crue, in his haunting lyrics to the 1985 song: "Every night has its dawn. Every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. And every rose has its thorn." The women stare at me a moment then burst into applause, blowing kisses past the flavored condoms and towards my cheek. My work here is done. It's Thursday. It's 6 pm. I have been to the porn store.

Copyright 1999, Jason Pettus. All rights reserved.