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Woman
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Man
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How did we meet?
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How did we meet?
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This is a funny story, actually.
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We can't tell this story, can we?
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We can tell this story.
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I hate this story.
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You love this story!
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I don't love this story.
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You gonna let me tell the story or not?
(Pause)
Actually...
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We had a one-night-stand.
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We had a one-night-stand.
It was supposed to be a one-night-stand.
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You thought it was going to be a one-night-stand.
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We didn't actually have sex.
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We almost had sex.
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We were this close to having sex.
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Which would have been fine.
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It would've been great!
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It would've been okay.
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Lady, you missed the chance to have the best sex you're ever gonna have.
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(Woman looks at Man for a moment, bursts out laughing)
Anyway.
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Best sex you're ever gonna have!
(Pause)
Anyway.
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We met at a bar.
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We met at a bar.
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I was waiting for my friends.
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They never showed up.
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They never showed up.
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Actually, they did show up.
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My friends showed up?
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Yeah, your friends showed up and they saw us talking and they went in the back room and left us alone.
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Motherfuckers!
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I love her friends!
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I hate my friends!
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Anyway.
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Anyway. I was having a...
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Gin.
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And a...
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Tonic.
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And he was having a...
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Bourbon.
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And a...
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Cigarette.
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And I was pissed that my friends hadn't shown up, so I was...
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Getting trashed.
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Knocking back a couple.
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You were three sheets to the wind, lady.
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And he came up to me at the bar and said the loveliest thing. He said...
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Baby, heaven must be a little darker tonight because someone stole the stars and put 'em in your eyes.
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You did not say that!
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Yeah, but I've always wanted to say that.
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(Laughing)
You are such an idiot!
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Hey, just who exactly went home with whom that night, okay?
(Pause)
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Anyway.
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Anyway.
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He said, "It should be against the law for someone so beautiful to look so sad."
(Punches Man in arm)
You ol' smoothie!
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Reports of my smoothiness have been greatly exaggerated.
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And it wouldn't have worked except that I was trashed.
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You had knocked back a couple.
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Well, you were so stoned you couldn't feel your own ass.
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I hate this story!
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I love this story! Shut up!
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You shut up!
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No, you shut up!
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No, you shut up!
(Pause)
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Anyway.
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Anyway.
We got to talking.
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And drinking.
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And drinking.
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Duh-reenk-eeng.
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And we were talking about movies. And we were talking about books.
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And we were talking about drugs.
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And we were talking about songs.
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And we were talking about jobs.
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And we were talking about clubs.
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And we were talking about lovers.
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And we were talking about bosses.
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And we were talking about kids.
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And we were talking about sex.
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And we were talking about apartments.
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And we were talking about sex.
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And we were talking about bands.
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And we were talking about sex.
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(Pause)
And we were talking about sex.
(Pause)
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Anyway, one thing leads to another...
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And the next thing I know I'm in his shitty apartment looking at fucking comic books.
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Hey, you were the one who got out the fucking comic books.
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I was trashed!
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She had knocked back a couple.
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And then Mr. Genius here gets out the pot...
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And we're smoking...
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And we're smoking...
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And we're smoking...
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And we're smoking...
(Pause)
And I, uh...
(Pause)
I, uh, pass out.
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So I stick her in my bed and pull the sheets up around her and I sleep on the floor.
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Which I thought was...pretty nice of him to do.
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It's not that big of a deal. It's what anyone would've done.
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It's not what everyone would've done.
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(Embarrassed)
Anyway.
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And that's how we met.
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And to this day we've still never had sex.
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Hey, that's right.
(Woman looks over at Man)
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(Man looks over at Woman. They stand in silence for a few seconds, then Man holds up finger as if he is about to ask a question.)
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No.
(Woman walks off stage)
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(Man watches woman leave, then turns to audience)
I fucking hate this story!
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Copyright 2001, Jason Pettus. All rights reserved.
