An excerpt from Celibate
Too much porn? Too much porn? The idea of owning too much porn is like the idea of a perpetual-motion machine - I suppose it's possible in theory, but it's yet to be proven to me. I want my porn and I want it now. I want depictions of frank and explicit sexuality among consenting adults. I want video porn, magazine porn, literary porn, CD-ROM porn, DVD porn, spoken-word porn and oil painting porn. I want to see people fuck. I don't want no softcore, HBO-at-midnight tits-and-ass bullshit. I don't want no delicate, leave-it-to-the-imagination, let's-be-careful-not-to-offend-anyone erotica bullshit. I want a penis and I want a vagina, and I want to see them come together. I want to see fingers and anuses. I want to see tongues and clitori. I want to see breasts and then I want to see some more breasts. I want hardcore, old-skool, money-making disco-breaking sex.
I will go to the store to get porn. I will go on the internet to get porn. I will get a satellite dish to get porn. I will borrow porn. I will steal porn. I will lock myself in a dark little cubicle in the middle of a public retail space, feed token after token in a slot in a wall connected to a TV to get porn. Are people fucking? Wrap it up; I'll take it. Can I masturbate to it? Wrap it up; I'll take it.
If I can't find porn, I will make porn, out of anything that is available. Underwear models? That's porn. Swimsuit issues? That's porn too. Perfume ads in fashion magazines? Whaddya know, that's porn as well. I can jerk off to music videos. I can jerk off to sitcoms from the 1970s. I can jerk off to Japanese comic books. I have jerked off to Japanese comic books.
I want porn, and I want it now. I want the filthiest, most depraved acts ever committed to long-term storage devices. I want to see a guy fuck a woman. I want to see a guy fuck two women. I want to see two guys fuck the same woman at once. I want to see two women go down on each other while a guy fucks one of them. I want to see two guys go down on each other while a woman fucks one of them with a strap-on. I want straight sex. I want group sex. I want gay sex and I want lesbian sex. I want dwarf sex, amputee sex and hermaphrodite sex. Keep your home videos of drunk sorority girls in New Orleans flashing their tits - I want to see two people in leather and ball gags beat the shit out of each other and then fuck. I want to jerk off to people pissing on each other. I want to jerk off to people being photographed without their knowledge. I want porn that will make my friends squeamish. I want porn that will make my PORN friends squeamish.
Do I have money in my pocket? Then I've got porn. Who needs to pay rent? I've got porn. Who needs to buy food? I've got porn. Am I out of money? I've got the web. I've got mass emailing lists. I've got 5,233 photographs on my hard drive, 2.4 gigabytes of memory. Too much porn? Fuck you - I've lost more porn than you'll ever own. I get porn from my parents for Christmas. I had to buy a special bag just to store all the porn I own. I own porn I've bought from guys on sidewalks on the condition that I didn't say where I got it. Why, if you took all the porn currently in my possession and added up its retail value, you would arrive at approximately $12,400.
$12,400.
Fuck.
I could go to Europe with that kind of money.
I could go to Europe six times with that kind of money.
I want to...uh, go outside. I want to feel the sun on my face. I want to go visit my friends. I want to throw this poem away and forget that I ever wrote it. I want to remember a time when porn meant three Playboys from 1974 stuck between the mattresses of my teenage bed, to be gingerly opened in the middle of the night without waking the dog.
I want to go to Europe. Six times.
I think...I own enough porn.
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