The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 2001-2004. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

(Inhale) I...love...getting...high.

Ladies and gentlemen, God forgive me, but I turned 32 years old today and I love getting high. My friends in my thirties tell me I shouldn't feel so great about getting high anymore. "That's for the kids," they say. "Those kids, that FOX News is always doing those reports on, those kids who are doing Ecstasy, you know, the same stuff we used to do in college back when it was called MDMA and you could only get it from your molecular biology friend who lived down the dorm hallway from you. Pot, Jason? It's for the kids. It's always been for the kids. It will always be for the kids."

But what the fuck do they know? They're living in Schaumburg and they've got a mortgage and two kids and three SUVs and four student loans and five supermarket customer cards, what the fuck do they know? When the kid at the party hands that joint over and I...(inhale)...I am every age that I want to be. 'Cause, you know what? The Beastie Boys make sense no matter how old you are. And punk rock? It makes sense no matter how old you are. And sure, things change about you. You can't do it all night. You can't do it every night. You're starting to get things sagging, and wrinkling, and falling out, but it doesn't mean you're dead.

If I want to go out drinking 'til 4 in the morning just 'cause one of my friends is in town, I can do that. And if I want to go out of town and keep my friends up 'til 4 in the morning drinking with me, I can do that. And if I want a farmer in France to fill a duck's stomach up with special herbs, just so they can slaughter the duck and feed its stomach to me on a plate for $14 just so I can have this very lovely, very original first date, than fuck it, I can do that too. And you know what? I was high when I was writing this poem. And you know what? I'm high while I'm READING this poem. And you know what? The only reason I'm reading this poem is so I can see who's laughing the hardest in the audience right now, because I know you're the ones who are gonna get me high after the show!

Please God Help Me, I'm 32 years old and I loves getting high. I'm just not quite ready to roll on my back, put my feet in the air, and yell out, "Fuck me, Starbucks! Fuck me in the ASS!" I'm not quite ready yet to be the people who I never wanted to be. I'm not quite done being subversive, of trying to change the system, of occasionally being self-destructive, and knowing that eventually it will be all right. I have a hearing aid now. (Pulls it out) This is it. You know the best thing about having a hearing aid? You can listen to your Walkman twice as fuckin' loud as you were before!

Yes, I'm 32 years old today, and I...love...getting...high! (Long, long inhale)