The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 2001-2004. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

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Woman: How did we meet?

Man: How did we meet?

Woman: This is a funny story, actually.

Man: We can't tell this story, can we?

Woman: We can tell this story.

Man: I hate this story.

Woman: You love this story!

Man: I don't love this story.

Woman: You gonna let me tell the story or not? (Pause) Actually...

Both: We had a one-night-stand.

Man: It was supposed to be a one-night-stand.

Woman: You thought it was going to be a one-night-stand.

Man: We didn't actually have sex.

Woman: We almost had sex.

Man: We were this close to having sex.

Woman: Which would have been fine.

Man: It would've been great!

Woman: It would've been okay.

Man: Lady, you missed the chance to have the best sex you're ever gonna have.

(Woman looks at Man for a moment, bursts out laughing)

Woman: Anyway.

Man: Best sex you're ever gonna have!

(Pause)

Both: Anyway.

Man: We met at a bar.

Woman: I was waiting for my friends.

Man: They never showed up.

Woman: They never showed up.

Man: Actually, they did show up.

Woman: My friends showed up?

Man: Yeah, your friends showed up and they saw us talking and they went in the back room and left us alone.

Woman: Motherfuckers!

Man: I love her friends!

Woman: I hate my friends!

Man: Anyway.

Woman: Anyway. I was having a...

Man: Gin.

Woman: And a...

Man: Tonic.

Woman: And he was having a...

Man: Bourbon.

Woman: And a...

Man: Cigarette.

Woman: And I was pissed that my friends hadn't shown up, so I was...

Man: Getting trashed.

Woman: Knocking back a couple.

Man: You were three sheets to the wind, lady.

Woman: And he came up to me at the bar and said the loveliest thing. He said...

Man: Baby, heaven must be a little darker tonight because someone stole the stars and put 'em in your eyes.

Woman: You did not say that!

Man: Yeah, but I've always wanted to say that.

Woman: (Laughing) You are such an idiot!

Man: Hey, just who exactly went home with whom that night, okay?

(Pause)

Both: Anyway.

Woman: He said, "It should be against the law for someone so beautiful to look so sad." (Punches Man in arm) You ol' smoothie!

Man: Reports of my smoothiness have been greatly exaggerated.

Woman: And it wouldn't have worked except that I was trashed.

Man: You had knocked back a couple.

Woman: Well, you were so stoned you couldn't feel your own ass.

Man: I hate this story!

Woman: I love this story! Shut up!

Man: You shut up!

Woman: No, you shut up!

Man: No, you shut up!

(Pause)

Both: Anyway.

Man: We got to talking.

Woman: And drinking.

Man: And drinking.

Woman: Duh-reenk-eeng.

Man: And we were talking about movies. And we were talking about books.

Woman: And we were talking about drugs.

(Both performers speed up their delivery, until they are saying the following lines at the same time.)

Man: And we were talking about songs.

Woman: And we were talking about jobs.

Man: And we were talking about clubs.

Woman: And we were talking about lovers.

Man: And we were talking about bosses.

Woman: And we were talking about kids.

Man: And we were talking about sex.

Woman: And we were talking about apartments.

Man: And we were talking about sex.

Woman: And we were talking about bands.

Man: And we were talking about sex.

(Pause)

Woman: And we were talking about sex.

(Pause)

Man: Anyway, one thing leads to another...

Woman: And the next thing I know I'm in his shitty apartment looking at fucking comic books.

Man: Hey, you were the one who got out the fucking comic books.

Woman: I was trashed!

Man: She had knocked back a couple.

Woman: And then Mr. Genius here gets out the pot...

Man: And we're smoking...

Woman: And we're smoking...

Man: And we're smoking...

Woman: And we're smoking... (Pause) And I, uh... (Pause) I, uh, pass out.

Man: So I stick her in my bed and pull the sheets up around her and I sleep on the floor.

Woman: Which I thought was...pretty nice of him to do.

Man: It's not that big of a deal. It's what anyone would've done.

Woman: It's not what everyone would've done.

Man: (Embarrassed) Anyway.

Woman: And that's how we met.

Man: And to this day we've still never had sex.

Woman: Hey, that's right. (Woman looks over at Man. Man looks over at Woman. They stand in silence for a few seconds, then Man holds up finger as if he is about to ask a question.) No. (Woman walks off stage)

Man: (Watches woman leave, then turns to audience) I fucking hate this story!