The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 2000. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

Lady, you fuck like sex is going out of style. You fuck like your ability to have an orgasm is going to be taken away from you tomorrow. You fuck like a crazy person. Not an actual crazy person, but a Winona Ryder, "Girl Interrupted" crazy person, cute crazy, sexy crazy, won't take a butcher knife to me afterwards crazy.

Lady, you fuck like an all-girl punk band, right before their very first show, all hopped up on trucker pills and beer snuck out of their parents' basement. You fuck like an angry yuppie in the back of the line at Starbucks. Lady, you fuck like one of those freaky Japanese cartoons that have been shown to cause epileptic attacks. You fuck like a sixteen-year-old boy who's just spent the last four hours watching the Playboy Channel, scrambled, squinting and twisting his head trying to make out the body parts beyond that snowy screen.

Lady, I don't know what kind of freaky shit your parents did to you as a kid to make you fuck like you do now, but I get up every morning and thank them for it. Lady, you fuck like an episode of Jerry Springer. You fuck like Pat Buchanan protesting a pro-choice rally. You fuck like an old-school rapper, throwing your hands in the air, and waving them like you just don't care. Lady, you fuck like someone's secretly videotaping you, and you know that they're videotaping you and you're fucking them anyway.

Lady, you fuck like a homeless guy rubbing his hands together over a trash fire on a January morning. You fuck like those old Asian paintings with the guys with cocks the size of a house. Lady, you fuck like a riot at a British soccer match. You fuck like Richard Daley talking about ComEd. You fuck like that cokehead in the corner of the party who doesn't have any coke and really, really, really needs some coke.

Lady, you fuck like a poet at an erotic open mic, reading a really dirty poem in a pathetic attempt to get laid after the show. You fuck like ten thousand teenagers at a Britney Spears concert. You fuck like ten thousand teenagers at a Backstreet Boys concert. You fuck like ten thousand teenagers at an N' Sync concert. Lady, you fuck like me, but without all the issues. You fuck like a drunk middle-aged aunt at a wedding reception. You fuck like a born-again Christian handling out pamphlets on a streetcorner. Lady, you fuck like someone who just installed Windows 2000.

Lady, you fuck like everyone SHOULD fuck and nobody DOES fuck. You fuck like an early-80s European heavy metal band. And you rock me like a hurricane.