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The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 2000. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.
Tempe, Arizona is a very odd place. There is a mountain in the middle of the city. It has a giant letter A on the top. The citizens tell me it's called A Mountain. This makes sense to me. There are orange trees next to the sidewalks in Tempe. You can reach out and pluck one as you walk, but I was told not to eat it. I was driving with a friend yesterday and asked, "What are these trees that look like palm trees?" My friend said, "Those are palm trees, Jason."
In Tempe, Arizona, it is hot when you sit in the sun and cool when you sit in the shade. They tell me it's called "dry heat." Dry heat confuses me. Tempe has a water shortage, and Tempe also has a manmade lake. When in Tempe, don't bring up the manmade lake. In Tempe, Arizona, the professional football team plays in a college stadium, and when you make long-distance phone calls you do not dial 1. I am not used to these things. The airport was named for Barry Goldwater, and the street signs glow at night like the soft caress of the desert moon.
I think being in Tempe is like getting dropped into a giant version of SimCity. Everything is new, everything is beautiful, and everything is a chain. I keep expecting to see a giant mouse come out of the sky - CLICK! Three new blocks of residential! CLICK! CLICK! Six new blocks of commercial!
There is a golf course in the desert in Tempe, Arizona. Everything is made of stucco, and vintage ties only cost three dollars. Today I went driving in Tempe with two women I don't know. They got me really high and we talked about cactus. Every time a hip-hop song would come on the radio, the two women would do a postmodern ironic hip-hop dance in their car seats, oblivious to their own movements. It was a beautiful thing to watch.
In Tempe, Arizona, poets breathe fire and gangsters hang out in sports bars. People leave their cars unlocked and all the grass is imported. I think Tempe, Arizona was secretly designed by David Lynch. I like David Lynch!