The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 2000. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

When waiting for an elevator, it is customary to allow the outgoing passengers to exit the car before attempting to enter yourself.

While on an escalator, common sense dictates standing on the right-hand side and allowing walking passengers an opportunity to pass on the left. When standing with a friend, one should loiter in a front-to-rear fashion, not side-to-side.

It is considered improper etiquette in a large urban environment to suddenly stop in the middle of a sidewalk. If one does need to take a pause or execute an about-face, one should quietly move to the side of the curb before doing so.

Retail employees should always remember that they are working for the customer, not the other way around. It is your job to thank the customer for supplying your wages, not the customer's job to thank you for supplying their food. Customers do not appreciate being asked twice what kind of soda they wish to drink with their meal. The standardized politeness of the customer spiel designed by your corporate headquarters was never meant and will never be meant to be delivered in the wooden, zombified monotones of a robot. If you hate your job, you always have the option of quitting it. It is improper to take this hatred out on the unsuspecting customer.

Customers should always remember that the minimum wage laws in this country are a sham and that employees making minimum wage cannot live on this amount. The United States is a capitalistic country both in letter and in spirit, which means that the more money one earns at one's job, the more seriously they take that job. If you are dissatisfied with the output of the average minimum-wage earner, the proper response is to call on Congress for a higher minimum wage, not to personally take your frustrations out on the unmotivated worker in question. A retail employee is not your husband, wife, child, parent, boss or dog, and you should not use them as an adequate substitution for your anger with any of the aforementioned. All human beings are entitled to a certain amount of basic rights, and this includes the right to not be treated like a sub-class citizen. The retail employee in front of you works twice as hard at their job than you do at yours, and receives one-tenth of the pay. They receive no benefits and are forced to work the twelve holidays a year that you are excused from, so that you will have somewhere to go on those holidays to spend your money. Act as if you appreciate this fact.

If you can afford a four-dollar cup of coffee or pint of beer, you can afford to tip a dollar to the employee making that cup of coffee or pouring that pint of beer. If you cannot afford that dollar tip, you are simply an asshole.

Pedestrians and car-drivers have the same exact rights and responsibilities when it comes to the road. DRIVERS: it is not within your rights to barrel through pedestrian crosswalks while the light is green. Pedestrians automatically have the right-of-way when both a green light and a WALK sign are simultaneously lit. It is also not within your rights to idle your car in the middle of a pedestrian walkway while the light is red, and pedestrians have every moral right in the world to hit the hood of your car with their closed fist as they pass you by. PEDESTRIANS: it is not within your rights to cross the street when the DO NOT WALK sign is lit. Jaywalking is not only a crime but a slap in the face to every driver expected to wait patiently for you when it is your legitimate turn to cross. If you wish to have the respect of car drivers on the road, respect those car drivers to an equal extent. Do not step out in front of oncoming vehicles when it is not your turn. Do not give them glowering looks and upturned middle fingers when they are forced to slam on their brakes. Always remember that you are 100-odd pounds of flesh and bone and that they are three tons of hot-steel killing machine. In a fight between you and a car, you will always lose. If you do not cross the street at the designated intersection, car drivers have every moral right in the world to run over your jaywalking ass and never look back.

Please take these matters under consideration and act upon them accordingly. I thank you for your time.