The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 1999. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

Written for the "Star Wars Poetry Slam," Madbar, Chicago.

When I was a kid adults were always asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Mike wants to be a fireman, Sally wants to be a princess, John wants to be an astronaut. What do you want to be, Jason? And I'd say the same thing each and every time. I want to be...a Jedi Knight. Protecting the universe from the forces of evil seemed like a pretty good career choice. The adults would chuckle in their patronizing way and say Well, Jason, you can't really be a Jedi when you grow up. And I'd say Bullshit! and then I'd remember that it's hate that leads to the Dark Side and then I'd shut my mouth.

When I was eight years old I wanted to be a holy man when I grew up, and I'm surprised that no one ever caught on to this and put me in a special class for behavioral misfits. After all, it would have saved me from being a poet. Some say being a Jedi is like being a priest. I say being a Jedi is like being in graduate school: years of excruciating study from teachers who are old and ugly and talk in cryptic languages; lots of sex with confused women who have issues with their family; and your roommate, Han Solo, who doesn't quite believe in what you're doing but will smuggle in pot for you anyway. There's one difference. At no point in the history of time have graduate students been allowed to walk around campus with giant swords, cutting off the arms of their enemies. Well, except maybe Vassar.

When I was eight years old I wanted to be a Jedi Knight. I used to practice on the neighborhood dogs: You will take me to your master. You are a good and loyal servant and you will be rewarded. I used to practice at the convenience store: You do not need to see his identification. He is not the underage drinker you are looking for. I used to practice on dates in high school: Size matters not! Judge me by my size? Sex with me now you will! I have spent years on my living room couch trying to summon up the power to make the remote control suddenly fly from the other side of the room into my hand. Obviously I am too old to begin the training.

When I was eight years old I wanted to be a Jedi Knight. And believe me, I have seen the Dark Side and it's not a pretty thing. I have seen the women on the barstools laughing at me at two in the morning: Ho-ho-ho! Jabba duwaba Jedi Mind Trick! Ho-ho-ho! I have seen my bosses in Corporate America, brandishing their light sabre: (whoosh) Once I was the student. Now I am the master. Take this package to FedEx on your lunch break. I have seen the Dark Side and it is like a billion voices crying out in terror then suddenly falling silent. But I do not fear. I have pledged to be a guardian of peace in the galaxy. I have pledged to use my powers only in defense, never in anger. Not only can I shoot a torpedo down an exhaust shaft two meters wide, I can type 95 words a minute and am fully trained on both Windows and Macintosh. I am a Jedi Knight.

You will buy me a drink after the show tonight. You are a good and loyal audience and you will be rewarded. You can go about your business. Move along, move along.