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The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 1999. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

1. I have a lot of them in my past and none of them have ever ended well.

2. They both average about two and a half months.

3. If it takes more than one interview I get bored and move on.

4. Neither of them will give me good recommendations.

5. Both are full of passion and intensity when it starts, then peter out at the end until they can't stand me anymore.

6. They are usually the ones who break it off.

7. Both think it's really cool at first to be hanging out so much with a writer...until they actually do start hanging out so much with a writer.

8. I lose a whole new set of friends every time one ends. I also end up usually losing a sweater and a couple of CDs.

9. I can look for both in the Chicago Reader.

10. Every time I get drunk all my friends want to know what it was like and which one was best and why it all ended, anyway.

11. I'm obsessed with having one until I actually do, at which point I'm obsessed with getting out of it.

12. They'll both dump you like a ton of bricks if you show up to their place drunk and yell "Blow me!"

Copyright 1999, Jason Pettus. All rights reserved. This was published under a Creative Commons license; click here for details. Contact: ilikejason [at] gmail [dot] com.