The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 1998. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

(This poem was written by taking the last line of each "None of the Above" personal ad from the October 2, 1998 issue of the Chicago Reader.)

Married white male in Rogers Park.
It seems that we have too many things in common.
Please respond if you live in the northern suburbs.
Western suburbs.
Northwest suburbs.
City dwellers preferred.
Joliet area a real plus.

First timers only.
Couples only.
Nonsexual gatherings only.
Serious callers only.
Only serious couples respond.
Women only.
Women only, please!
Couples, women, men.
Age, race, weight not important.
Race, size unimportant.
I prefer brains over beauty.
I prefer dominant, gray-haired straight guys with hairy chests and big hands.
Medium build (not obese) please reply.
Please be safe and sane.
Please be height/weight proportionate.
Seeking someone under 50.
IQ larger than bra size appreciated.
Must be beautiful inside and out.
Nice butt and bust a plus.
Asians and black men a plus.
Blond or Asian a plus, Oak Park even better.
Looking for a good friend.
Looking for someone who can relate to this time of life.
Looking for someone who wants to do it all.
Looking for someone who is looking to leave a mark.

No one-night stands, psychos, stalkers or nuts.
No commitments, please.
No exchange of partners.
Absolutely no couples.
No druggies.
Male as go-between OK, as participant not OK.

I'm a good guy, please be the same.
I am clean and discreet.
I will return all calls.
I can appreciate your style.
I can do it.
As far as I know, we only live once!
I just want to watch.
I'm just happy to be of service.
My only motivation is enjoyable role-playing.
I am willing to travel.
I'm awaiting your presence.
Feel free to try me in my next incarnation.
If you desire I will let him join in after you teach me the art of lovemaking.
You will enjoy my knowledge and manner.
Handsome, fit, charming and easygoing.
Interests: arts, dreams, camping.

All boundaries explored.
Possible to serve us both.
Let's explore life together.
Maybe we can find something mutually satisfying.
Your husband and/or boyfriend is welcome to be in attendance.
We want to make you the center of our attention.
Discretion must be insured by both parties.
Discretion please.
Long-term relationship or just friends.
Halloween is just around the corner!
Love a bit of bondage behind closed doors.
1-100 people OK.
Reciprocation not required.
Noncommercial.
Unconventional, rewarding experience!
Companionship, maybe more.
Safe, sane, consensual fun.
Safe sex only!
Nothing kinky, just sex fun.
Check me out guys, it will feel incredible!
You won't be disappointed.
Disappointment doubtful.
Kick back and enjoy!

Call me.
Call now.
Call for the chance to complete yourself.
Call and let's (panty) play!
Call your pierced, provincial (and bald) friend.
If you're ready to party give me a call.
If you're a bisexual female, please call.
If you're not afraid to live a little, give a call.
If you love receiving, let's talk.
We know you called!
Find out and call.
This is worth your call!
Hoping to connect with the right woman or couple.
All replies answered.
All calls answered.
Let's see if the chemistry is right.
Do it!
You won't regret it.
You'll be making a great decision.
Try me on for size.
Why wait? I'm not!
You deserve it!
Go to the nearest phone.
Please reply if you've been where I'm coming from.
Please try again.
Please call.