The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 1997. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

You asked me once, "Why are you always pulling your computer out at bars and typing on it like some big ol' nerd?"

Because I AM a nerd! I've been one since I was seven years old! Jesus Christ, can't you see that?

And when I was toiling away on my eight color, grey boxed, green screen, 4K, don't even have a disk drive 1979 TRS-80,
it was like an epiphany.
When I ten years old and programmed my own Dungeons and Dragons game,
it was like I was walking on clouds.

Why do I type on keyboards in bars? Because computers were the end-all be-all of me, you see, the thing that made me the person I always knew I WOULD be, someday.

And you -- called me a faggot
And you -- beat me up
And you -- yes, yes, you! -- took out the girl I wanted to ask to prom
and you fucked her in your backseat
against her will
and you made her cry
and you made her bleed
and I... typed

And when I got my first Internet account in 1986 and you were walking by the dorm computer lab, on your way to another fraternity party and another beer bong and another fag bash and another date rape and another football riot and you turned to your friend and said "Look at the fuckin' geeks" and laughed... didn't you realize that I could hear you? Didn't you realize that I would remember?

And when we work together now, when we stand around a conference room on the 40th floor on some building that was designed by a nerd, built by a laborer and rented by... you... when you talk about fighting fires and killing the messenger, when you laugh and clap me on the back and invite me for beers on Friday nights... don't you realize that I could hear you? Don't you realize that I would remember?

Don't you realize that I can still hear you, yelling and screaming all the way up and down Lincoln Avenue, where YOU still call me a faggot and YOU still beat me up, and YOU still fuck the girls in your backseat?

Why do I type on keyboards in bars? Because I CAN! Because I don't know if you've noticed or not, but slowly and surely I am taking over. Because I don't know if you've noticed or not, but now I'M the one on stage, telling my stories, and YOU'RE the one sitting in the audience, listening to me tell my stories. Because I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I'm writing the books you read, I'm recording the music you listen to, I'm making the films you watch, I own the skyboxes of your precious sports arenas, I TOOK your job and I'm DRINKING your liquor and I'm SMOKING your cigars and yes, I'm FUCKING your WOMEN!

Wait, excuse me.

I'm tenderly making love to your women in a way you can only dream of.

Why do I type on keyboards in bars? I've always been typing on keyboards in bars.