The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 1996. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

(Emcee of event stands on stage and yells) Hear ye, hear ye! Gather round for the annual Chicago Village Idiot Competition of 1996! Final round of competition -- John Biederman versus Jason Pettus! May the best man win! Let the games begin!

(Jason and John step on stage. They pause for a few seconds, then both put on silly hats -- a fez for Jason, a jester cap for John. There is a small pause between each line read.)

John: Look there! A big frog in the sky!

Jason: Land sakes! A giant purple elephant!

John: I'll be damned! My coffee's got a finger in it!

Jason: There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants.

John: Teacher, teacher, I declare, I see Mary's underwear.

Jason: Whistle while you work. Hitler is a jerk. Mussolini bit his weenie -- now it doesn't work.

John: Sure, it's cold now, but that'll pass soon.

Jason: The Chicago Bears will never move to the suburbs.

John: The Democratic Convention was a huge success, and brought lots of rewards to the city.

Jason: Riverboat casinos are good for the economy! They provide local jobs, you know.

John: What do I do for a living? (with false modesty) ...I'm a writer.

Jason: You know, I'm featured every week at Estelle's in Wicker Park. Yep, I'm one of only twelve people that get to go on stage.

John: I know you model for a living, but would you like to go out?

Jason: I know you have a boyfriend, but would you like to go out?

John: I know you have a big ring on your finger that looks suspiciously like an engagement ring, but would you like to go out?

Jason: I know you're a lesbian, but would you like to go out?

John: If she has sex with me, that means she loves me, right?

Jason: If she has sex with me, that means she likes me, right?

John: If she has sex with me, that means she wanted to have sex with me, right?

Jason: I'm personal friends with Shappy!

John: Hey, that's my line!

Jason: Get your own line! I already used it!

John: Um... (dejected) I, uh... woke up Shappy with the phone once.

Jason: Women are attracted to artists.

John: Women really dig open mics.

Jason: Women can't keep their hands off guys who know their way around the Internet.

John: I interned for MAD Magazine.

Jason: You look just like Liz Phair, you know that?

John: Why can't I get anyone to love me?

Jason: Why can't I get anyone to... oh. Uh... pass.

John: Witty references to classic rock lyrics will never go out of style.

Jason: People never tire of my constant references to my amphetamine problem.

John: Chicago will maintain control of Meigs Field.

Jason: Richard Daley is my friend.

John: Look up. Look down. Your pants are falling down.

Jason: Hey.

John: What.

Jason: Chicken butt.

John: Look at me -- (puts hands to ears and wiggles them) I'm an elephant!

Jason: Look at me -- (puts hands to mouth like a duckbill) I'm a duck!

John: (tries to give next line, but Jason continues to hog microphone, making duck noises. After a few attempts, he finally says, "Excuse me!" loudly. Jason backs up.) Look at me -- (raises one leg) I'm hopping around on one foot!

Jason: Look at me -- (sticks out tongue) I can touch my nose with my tongue!

(John and Jason busy themselves for five or ten seconds, hopping around on stage and making 'exertion' noises as they try to outdo each other. Finally they look at each other, realize what they're doing, and stop. They go back to the microphone.)

John: I love you. Really, I do. I'm serious.

Jason: Don't leave me. For God's sake, just... don't... leave me.

(Three or four second pause, then both men say "thank you" simultaneously and exit stage.)