The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 1996. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

I still masturbate about you, you know. It's something we don't discuss anymore, the sexual part of our past. Too much time has passed and we have moved way beyond the point where it is cute and nostalgic and a little titillating to discuss past exploits in bed. Now it is simply uncomfortable, and since it's been a long time since we've slept together and the possibilities of it happening again are slim to none, it is no longer even titillating.

Still, though, I masturbate about you now and again. It's perhaps the greatest vice in my life right now; the most damaging one and the hardest to overcome -- not only chronic masturbation in general, but masturbating about women who have hurt me, who have put me through the masher and ground me into liquid form. It's difficult to masturbate about a woman who broke your heart. Somehow, though, I manage to do it.

(WOMAN 1 stands up in audience and says) Jason Pettus masturbates an average of twenty-one times a week. That is to say, he does not masturbate three times every day; that would be ridiculous. There are some days when he can barely manage to find time for a quick one during his shower or before falling asleep. There are other days, however, where it is a lazy Saturday afternoon and Jason has nothing better to do than stay in bed all day, eat junk food, chain smoke, and watch six hours worth of movies on WGN, Channel 9. It is on days like this that it is not unusual for him to have six or seven orgasms in a twenty-four hour period.

Jason Pettus masturbates an average of twenty-one times a week. This works out to eighty-four times a month, or 1,092 times a year. This means that since the age of thirteen, when Pettus had his first orgasm, he has subsequently achieved orgasm approximately 16,380 times by his own hand...

(Jason, from stage) ...or what have you.

(WOMAN 1 resumes) Before the age of thirteen, Jason Pettus still masturbated, but perhaps only five times a week. This puts the life total of masturbatory incidents at approximately 19,760.

(Jason, from stage) I never claimed that I did not masturbate a lot. You knew that already when we started dating.

(WOMAN 1 resumes) In case you were curious, Jason Pettus has had approximately 535 orgasms by way of another's hand...

(Jason resumes) ...or what have you.

I really don't know if I masturbate more or less than the average American male. But 16,000 is a pretty big number, you have to admit. It makes me wonder what else I've done more than 16,000 times since the age of thirteen. Go to the bathroom? Probably not. I've probably smoked more than 16,000 cigarettes by now. And I think I've cursed the name of Ameritech close to 16,000 times.

Like I said, you knew of my proclivity for jerking off before we even dated. It's one of the things we talked about the first time we actually engaged in serious sexual verbal flirtation. Masturbation is an endlessly fascinating topic of discussion for men towards their lovers. We love to talk about how often we do it, how we do it, and what we're thinking about when we do it. We love to hear if you do it, how often you do it, and in what manner you do it. We love to do it for you while you are watching. We adore having you do it while we are watching. Hell, we love doing it while we're lying in your bed and you're in the bathroom, taking a shower and getting ready to start the new day.

Here's what I think about when I masturbate about you. I think about warm summer nights in Missouri, a place I miss more and more with each passing day. I think of bedrooms lit only with the light of the moon, something that is impossible here in Chicago. I think of the soft breeze that would blow the curtains open as I parted your thighs with my hand. I think about the way you used to want me, the way you used to need me like you needed nothing else.

(WOMAN 2 stands up in audience and says) Here is a list of women Jason Pettus is currently masturbating about.

Ginger Lynn.

(Jason) She's a porn star from the '80s. If you know who I'm talking about, then you know why.

(WOMAN 2) Liz Phair.

(Jason) Goes without saying.

(WOMAN 2) Annie Wood, the host of the television show Buzz.

(Jason) She does this little dance, you see, and... oh, never mind.

(WOMAN 2) Every other woman on the television show Buzz.

(Jason) (turning sideways to audience and acting like a contestant on the show) My name is Amber. I like mountain climbing, yoga, and having a good time!

(WOMAN 2) Bridget Fonda.

(Jason) Well, you know, just for good measure.

(WOMAN 2) That woman in the Saturn commercial who's buying her first new car.

(Jason) (Pause) Oh yeah, like you don't.

(WOMAN 2) That woman who played the high school student obsessed with Brandon on year four of Beverly Hills 90210.

(Jason) You see, it's in syndication on Channel 50 right now, and... oh, never mind.

(WOMAN 2) The cousin of a good friend of his.

(Jason) (holding up a photograph) This is a picture of her! She's hot!

(WOMAN 2) Blossom.

(Jason) (Pause) Oh yeah, like you don't!

(WOMAN 2) Martha Stewart.

(Jason) How'd that get in there? Just... move on, please.

(WOMAN 2) His ex-girlfriend.

(Jason) Obviously.

(WOMAN 2) His other ex-girlfriend.

(Jason) (Pause) Obviously.

(WOMAN 2) Yet another ex-girlfriend.

(Jason) (Pause) There's something else that I fantasize about when I'm masturbating about you, but I'm almost ashamed to admit it. I have romantic fantasies. I fantasize that we never broke up, and that it is I who is now going to the store and picking out furniture with you, instead of that... well, you know, the person who's replaced me. I fantasize that we are living together, that we are cooking meals together, that I am entering you without a condom because we are trying to have a baby.

These fantasies are sexually arousing to me. They give me an erection. I am able to have an orgasm because of them. And, frankly, that scares the hell out of me.

(WOMAN 3 stands in audience and says) The Hite Report on Human Sexuality reports that there are six basic options that most males choose from while masturbating. One, the stereotypical up-and-down pumping motion. Two, grasping the penis and twisting back and forth laterally, as if unscrewing and screwing the top of a plastic bottle. Three, grasping the foreskin with the thumb and forefinger and vigorously vibrating, much like a woman would do with her clitoris. Four, rubbing against a stationary object, such as a mattress or a door. Five, actual insertion of the penis into a womb-like atmosphere. And six, rare that it is, self-oral gratification.

(Jason resumes) There is a woman at one of the open mics I go to, the one at Estelle's. Her name is Jules, and last night she walked by me and lightly put her hands on my back, oh-so-gently rubbed and tickled me as she passed me on the way to the bathroom. The action literally made me melt, and I realized right then and there how void my life currently is of physical human contact. It made me realize just how much I rely on masturbation to keep me from going insane or turning into the Unabomber. When I think about it in those terms, I guess masturbation isn't so bad. I guess.

Normally this is the part of the story where I would mention you by name and bring the listener or reader of my story even more personally into it. But I had a very ugly incident last month, where I read a story at the open mic at No Exit cafe in the heart of Rogers Park. My story was grossly misunderstood by several people that night, and I was actually indirectly threatened with physical violence by the host of the open mic, Michael O'Toole, who is normally a very pleasant fellow and very easy to get along with. The whole thing has made me reconsider my normal practice of including proper names in my stories. Besides, there is a chance, however small, that your new beau might hear or read this story, and I don't want to put you in a spot where you'll get in trouble with them, or that I'll get in trouble with them.

(WOMAN 4 stands in audience and says) The following is a legal disclaimer. The preceding paragraph was in no way meant as a slanderous statement or an act of libel against Michael O'Toole, No Exit Cafe, or any of its regular patrons. The paragraph was made as a statement of fact, and should not be construed as a disparaging remark. Jason Pettus is merely saying that Michael O'Toole and other regular patrons of No Exit Cafe really need to learn how to grow up.

(Jason resumes) I am wracking my brain, trying to think of a way of letting you know that I am writing this letter to you and not one of the three other women I could be talking about. I am desperately seeking some incident from our past that you and only you would know about, that neither you nor I have shared with another person on this planet, yet something generic enough so that it would fit all four of you without giving away any individual personality. Oh, there is one thing I can think of that might possibly work. The day after we had sex for the first time, I bought a dozen daisies and put them at your front door at a time when I knew you wouldn't be home. We talked later that night, and you almost cried when you discussed the flowers, and then you were pissed because you were almost crying about a bunch of stupid flowers.

That was a time when I was a big fan of random romantic gestures. I enjoyed doing simply, goofy things in the name of love. I believed the actions to be a sign of affection, and that they would endear the woman in question to me even more. I know better now.

(WOMAN 5 stands in audience and says) It is estimated that 99.8 percent of the American male population masturbates on a regular basis, regular meaning at least once a week. Conversely, it is estimated that 62 percent of American females engage in the same activity. In a national poll asking what the most important part of the sexual experience is, the most repeated answer among males was "the orgasm;" the most repeated answer among females was "being held." Sociological studies have shown that males that put as much importance on the emotional part of sex as their female counterparts do are less likely to receive pay raises than other males. They tend to hold less prestigious jobs and for shorter periods of time. They date less often than other males and get into far fewer long-term relationships. The women tend to be the breakers in these relationships, and it takes longer for these men to emotionally recover than other males. In addition, these men are twice as likely to be alcoholics and have a four hundred percent likelier chance of suffering from clinical depression or other mentally-related illnesses.

(Jason resumes) I still masturbate about you, you know. I hope you know me well enough to not have that make you uncomfortable. It doesn't mean I want to get back together, not by a long shot. I'm not even sure I'd have sex with you again if given the opportunity. But I still masturbate about you. I think back to warm, silent, dark summer nights in Missouri and time when you still loved me, and I just can't help myself.