The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 1996. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

(JASON sings WGN theme song while JOHN says, "This is WGN, Channel 9.")

JASON: (In cheesy 1940's sports-announcer voice) Good afternoon and thanks for joining us. It's a beautiful autumn day here at Holy Name Cathedral in the heart of historic downtown Chicago, where we are awaiting the kickoff of the funeral... for Cardinal Joseph Bernadine. Joining me in the booth today is color commentator John Biederman, and John, we're in for some real fireworks today, aren't we?

JOHN: Right you are, Jason. The Monsignors of the Midway owe the entire credit of their last twelve winning seasons to one man, the Calavanting Cardinal, and it's no surprise to anyone that his last game would be celebrated in style. Besides, the Catholics are currently leading the league in funeral throwing and arcane rituals, so the spectacle we see today should pretty much be expected.

JASON: But with the stunning upset last week in Green Bay, the Jews seem to be poised to make a comeback, don't they?

JOHN: They are definitely a franchise to keep your eye on, Jason.

JASON: And we'd like to remind our viewers that WGN Channel 9 is the only Chicagoland station to see live, 24-hour coverage of the Death... (in dramatic voice) of Cardinal Bernadine! Boy, John, it's hard to believe it's just been a week since we were reporting live from the deathbed vigil at the Cardinal's home.

JOHN: Well, the sudden death of the Cardinal has unleashed a flurry of excitement in the city that has not been matched since the visit by Princess Diana last spring. Joseph sightings have become the rage all over Chicago these last seven days.

JASON: I hear the cast of E.R. is in town right now and is actually being ignored!

JOHN: Well, Jason, this city loves their funerals.

JASON: Right you are, John! And while we're waiting for the kickoff, let's throw it to Margaret at the news desk for the latest headlines. Margaret, what's going on in the rest of the world?

MARGARET: (standing up in audience) Plane crash kills fourteen, rioting in South Carolina, President Clinton signs same-sex marriage bill, back to you, Jason!

JASON: Thank you, Margaret! What you're looking at right now is a live shot of hundreds of priests, archbishops and bishops now entering the field, dressed of course in their distinctive team colors and vestments. John, maybe you can explain to the viewers the origins of the team uniforms.

JOHN: Certainly, Jason. The current uniforms were adopted and approved by the Holy Roman Empire in the Fourth century, A.D. Each piece was specifically designed to remind the uneducated masses that Catholic priests were better, smarter and holier than they were. For example, the tall pointed hats we're currently looking at were symbolic of the fact that priests are closer to God than the common man and therefore are better qualified to write laws and govern the country.

JASON: I sure am glad we live in more enlightened times, when a single religious sect cannot take over and completely dominate our country's media!

JOHN: So am I, Jason.

JASON: And I'd like to remind our viewers that we've interrupted our regular broadcast to provide live, 24-hour coverage of the Death... (in a dramatic voice) of Cardinal Bernadine, just as we have for the last seven days. Stick with WGN Channel 9 for complete ritual updates.

JOHN: And don't forget, Mad About You has moved to 6 pm weekdays.

JASON: Let's check in with Margaret at the news desk for the latest headlines. Margaret?

MARGARET: (standing in audience) A fire has just broken out in the loop and is threatening to burn down the entire business district. Mayor Richard Daley was last spotted boarding a plane headed to Buenos Aires. Back to you, Jason!

JASON: Thank you, Margaret! Now, John, I understand that the funeral itself is by invitation only.

JOHN: Right you are, Jason. And my sources tell me that these are the hottest tickets in town. Next to, of course, the twenty-seventh remounting of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

JASON: Ooh, I just saw that last week!

JOHN: Donny Osmond is just brilliant, isn't he?

JASON: A definite must-see, John.

JOHN: People have been calling in favors all this week in an attempt to get tickets to the funeral. And as can be expected, the usual crowd was spotted in front of the cathedral this morning.

JASON: (walking around in audience, wearing coat and sockcap, acting like ticket scalper) Two! I got two for the funeral! Who needs two? Come on folks, show of a lifetime! One time only! Bigger than the Stones! I got two! Who needs two?

JOHN: And the list of celebrities here puts JFK Jr's party at the Democratic Convention to shame.

JASON: (back on stage) Speaking of which, I believe I see Vice President Al Gore and his lovely wife, Tipper, there in the front row.

JOHN: That you do, Jason.

JASON: And is that... no, it can't be... is that Jack Nicholson I see sitting next to them?

JOHN: I understand he's a big fan of the Catholics.

JASON: But we should remind our viewers that the death of a Cardinal is taken fairly seriously in these parts, isn't it?

JOHN: Jason, the funeral of Cardinal Bernadine is a thousands-year-old tradition and is considered by many Catholics as the most sacred ritual still practiced in the modern world.

JASON: A sacred ritual that you, the viewer, will be a full part of, thanks to our dozen swiveling cameras positioned throughout historic Holy Name Cathedral!

JOHN: I understand we'll be trying out the new CasketCam today for the first time.

JASON: That's correct, John. Anything for the betterment of our viewers, during this, our live, 24-hour coverage of the Death... (in dramatic voice) of Cardinal Bernadine! Let's go to Margaret at the news desk. Margaret, what's the latest headlines from around the world?

MARGARET: (standing in audience and severely overacting) Giant aliens... invading earth... taking over... our brains... must get... out of my head... get out of my head, you bastard! Back to you, Jason!

JASON: Thank you, Margaret! We have in the booth with us Mark Cohen, one of the city's foremost experts on Catholicism.

MARK: I'm Jewish, Jason.

JASON: Mark, what are the latest statistics on the number of practicing Catholics in Cook county?

MARK: The latest figures show that approximately 300,000 citizens of Cook county consider themselves practicing Catholics.

JOHN: And with the current population of Cook county approaching ten million, that puts the ratio of Catholics to non-Catholics at... um...

MARK: About three percent, John.

JASON: With such a small percentage of practicing Catholics in this city, Mark, can you explain why there are currently six television stations covering the funeral live?

MARK: Oh, I don't know. Wild guess here, but maybe it's the Chicago media's tendency to exploit every tragedy, no matter how personal or non-relevant, to increase their own ratings?

JASON: Okay, Mark Cohen, thanks for stopping by the booth today! John, our colleagues at WBBM, Channel 2, reported this week that, and I quote, "Almost every citizen's life in Chicago has been touched in some way by the heroics of Cardinal Joseph Bernadine." Tell us how the Cardinal has touched your life, John.

JOHN: Well... uh. Hmm. Actually...

JASON: I'm sorry, John, I have to interrupt here for a moment, we're getting some late-breaking news that, um... yes... yes it is, the Cardinal has entered the building. We are looking at a live shot of the casket being brought into the Cathedral.

JOHN: It appears to be a mahogany casket, Jason.

JASON: Yes, that or oak. But a beautiful casket nonetheless.

JOHN: They've really outdone themselves, Jason.

JASON: Right you are, John. Now, I understand one of the final rituals before the actual funeral was the removal of the papal ring, a personal gift from Pope John Paul II.

JOHN: That is correct.

JASON: Any news of what will happen to the ring now?

JOHN: I believe it will be going on permanent display at Chicago's House of Blues, which will be opening next month.

JASON: And don't forget that WGN Channel 9 will be providing live coverage of the House of Blues grand opening next month, and what a party that will be!

JOHN: I'll be there, that's for sure.

JASON: We have to take a break here for a message from Empire Carpets, who remind you that for a limited time only, all sample showcases in the home will come with a free Hail Mary, plus a rosary while supplies last. Stay tuned for continued, live, 24 hour coverage of the Death... (in dramatic voice) of Cardinal Bernadine!