The following can also be found in the book Chicago Stories 1996. Click here to learn more, and to download a free electronic copy.

(Speaker holds out envelopes) These are her letters. These... (gestures) are from when were dating, when youth was the Overlord of all and our idea of kinky sex was to write dirty notes to each other in Biology class. I've held them so that I can quote from them now and then and remind myself that at one point she really did love me. These... (gestures) are from when she was in the Peace Corps. I've held these so that when we got back together, as I always knew we would, we would be able to look back at them and laugh about how silly we both had been and how we would never make that kind of mistake again. And these... (gestures) are from her "Post Jason" phase. I've held on to these because... well, because they're from her.

(Throws letters on to stage) I HEREBY BANISH THEE FROM MY HOME! DO NOT DARKEN MY DOORWAY AGAIN, O VILE, FILTHY, EVIL LETTERS!

(Holds out CD case) This is the album that was playing the first time we had sex. It was a very popular album at the time, and every time we'd then hear it at a bar or on the radio or in someone's apartment at a party, we would giggle and titter at each other and usually end up going back home and having sex again.

(Throws CD case on to stage) I HEREBY TAKE BACK THE RIGHT TO LISTEN TO HARRY CONNICK, JR WITHOUT THINKING OF HER! I LIKE THIS ALBUM! I LIKED THIS ALBUM BEFORE I MET HER, GODDAMNIT! TAKE YOUR SINISTER THOUGHTS THAT CLOUD MENS' MINDS AND BEGONE! BEGONE, I SAY!

(Holds up book) And this, this is the book she bought me on one of my birthdays. This is the book I poured through, reading hidden meanings into random innocuous phrases that told me about our undying love for each other and how we were fated to be together!

(Throws book on to stage) LITERATURE OF THE DAMNED, GRACE MY PRESCENCE NO MORE! YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME IN MY LIBRARY!

And this! (Holds up necklace) This is the necklace she brought back from Africa for me! It was meant as a peace offering, a formal announcement that she wanted to try to put everything behind us and start a new, civil, post-sex, post-intimacy, post-caring, post-hold-their-hand, post-call-them-out-of-the-blue-at-three-in-the-morning-'cause-you-just-happened-to-be-thinking-of-them relationship!

(Throws necklace on to stage) I WILL NO LONGER BELIEVE THAT YOUR BEADS ARE A SIGN THAT WE WILL GET BACK TOGETHER! GO BACK TO THE DARK, SWEATY, MYSTERIOUS JUNGLES OF AFRICA, FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!

And God, these! (Takes glasses off face, holds them out) These are the glasses I bought one day because I tried them on in a store and she laughed at me and slapped me on the arm and said, "God, you look like such a dork in those!" (Throws glasses on to stage) BEGONE! OUT OF MY LIFE!

And this! Shit! (Pulls ring off finger, holds it out) This is the ring I bought when I visited her in Baltimore last year, the one that she said made me look like Chaz Palmentari and I took as a compliment! (Throws ring on to stage) BEGONE!

And these! (Takes off shoes, holds them up) The shoes I bought because they reminded me of ones she used to own, and I felt it would make me feel somehow closer to her! (Throws shoes on to stage)

And this! (Starts taking off shirt while speaking) The shirt that I bought, the kind I always buy, because of an offhanded remark she made once in 1989 that open-collared shirts make me look sexy and grown up! (Throws shirt on to stage)

And these! (Starts taking off pants while speaking) The pants I bought, that are duplicates of the ones she bought me when we were twenty years old and she wanted to take me out one night and show me off! (Throws pants on to stage, now wearing nothing but underwear)

(Lifts arms into the air and yells) I HEREBY EXORCISE ANY AND ALL REMNANTS LEFT IN MY LIFE THAT HAVE ANY CONNECTION WITH THE UNSPEAKABLE ONE! WE HAVE NOW OFFICIALLY SPENT MORE TIME AS AN EX-COUPLE THAN WE DID AS A COUPLE, AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THE SMOKY TENDRAILS FROM THAT RELATIONSHIP COMING TO HAUNT ME!

I WILL NO LONGER COMPARE EVERY NEW WOMAN I MEET TO HER IN MY MIND! I WILL NO LONGER WRITE DRUNKEN LETTERS TO HER LATE AT NIGHT AND THEN RIP THEM UP THE NEXT DAY! I WILL NO LONGER CRY WHEN I RUN ACROSS AN OLD RE-RUN OF "NORTHERN EXPOSURE" ON CABLE!

DEAR LORD! (Falls to knees on stage, praying) Dear Lord, please, I beseech you. I have recently met a new woman I'm very interested in, and I'm sick of constantly fucking things up. Please -- PLEASE! -- help me exorcise the demons of my past from my soul forever. Amen.

(Stands up, looking at pile of things on stage) And you! You can stay on this stage forever as far as I'm concerned, to rot and fester in eternal damnation!

(Continues staring at pile) Well, except my pants. I'll need those to get home. (picks up pants)

(Continues staring at pile) And my shoes, I'll need those too. (Picks up shoes)

(Continues staring at pile) And it's pretty cold out, so I better grab my shirt... (Picks up shirt)

(Continues staring at pile) ...And I paid an awful lot for that ring... (Picks up ring)

(Continues staring at pile) ...and... (Picks up everything else but the letters, stands up, looks out guiltily at the audience, then back at the letters, yelling) But the letters! The letters stay right where they are! (Looks back at the audience for a few seconds, quickly bends down and grabs the letters, takes everything and runs off stage)